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Post by Just a man on Apr 21, 2006 12:30:59 GMT 7
I am a man. I am in my late 30s. My wife is about 10 years younger than me.
I am wondering about kids. I do a job where frequent travelling for longer periods is good (but not essential), and so does my wife. In our industry, mobility is also quite important, both for short periods of work abroad, and between employers. It is often the case that one changes employer (and perhaps country) every few years.
If we have children, the job prospects would be rather complicated. However, my greatest concern is not how to deal with the job v. children question, but whether it is nice to have children or not. When I see parents playing with their happy cute kids I think: 'Cool, I wish I could do that'. But then when I see parents shouting at their nasty ugly nagging kids I think: 'Cool, I don't need to do that'.
So, I am asking you, who have kids: Is it nice? Was life better before, when you didn't have to worry about kids? Or are you happy to have them in spite of the extra work? Would you want to take a time machine and go back to when you decided to have kids, and make a different decision?
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zak
New Member
Posts: 18
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Post by zak on Apr 21, 2006 13:58:27 GMT 7
I have a one year old. Time is no longer my own. I haven't picked up a guitar, read a book, ridden my mountain bike or even gone for a run in the last year. And this is inspite of the great support network my wife and I have here. It is a lot of work - and there are definately tensions if both parents are working. But for my case, I feel it is getting more manageable as (1) we adjust to being parents and get good/fast at all the baby related tasks and (2) our son is getting more independent and able to go out places for more extended period.
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Post by Just a man on Apr 21, 2006 19:50:59 GMT 7
Well, that's what I heard saying several times. But the bottom line is, if you could go back and undo what you did, would you still want to have this child or not? Maybe I shouldn't ask, because you shouldn't ask yourself that question?
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Post by sundaymorningstaple on Apr 21, 2006 19:51:08 GMT 7
I've raised two kids here in Singapore (both born here - '83 & '88). I worked offshore in the oil exploration industry for the 1st 10 years, after that I found a job in Singapore. I worked, played with the kids, went SCUBA diving when I wasn't work diving, played golf, rode my mountain bike and still do (I'm 58). Life is so much fuller with kids. Course I am not one of the ME-ME-ME generation that is so stuck on themselves and 'their' wants and desires. My Kids are my legacy (guess this should have been put on the other thread). My wife and I have both worked all through the raising of our kids and we did not farm out the duties to maids either (other than the 1st 2 years with the first child but only because I was offshore and my wife was a professional singer). We haven't suffered and our lives are that much fuller for it. Hopefully WE wont spend our twilight years without grandkids when we are no longer able to run. Life can get very lonely and with marriages failing a rates unheard of in the past you could end up very easily as sad, bitter, lonely old derlict of a person. Would I do it again? Yes! Only I would have started in my 20's and not my 40's. Well I tried in my 20's but just wasn't successful in producing offspring I guess. Course my opinion only. ;D sms
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Post by wino on Apr 21, 2006 22:18:29 GMT 7
What you don't have you don't miss.
Once you have them, you can't be without them. I find them intoxicating and get a complete high from them but there are definitely "hangovers" too!
Unequivocally, it's easier not to have children; less to lose, less to worry about but the joy, the bond, it's indescribable unless you experience it for yourself.
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Post by Just a man on Apr 22, 2006 8:45:20 GMT 7
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Post by Twin Mommy on Apr 22, 2006 14:05:29 GMT 7
Before I had kids, I gave the evil eye to parents who had bawling kids on business class. Never thought I would enjoy parenthood. Dreaded giving up travelling and sleeping in on weekends. Now that my boys are 7, I wouldn't give them up for anything. Life is so much richer with them and although life does change, I would say it's for the better.
Good luck with your decision!
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Post by Mummy on Apr 22, 2006 14:05:35 GMT 7
Here's a reply from a very lazy woman.
I waited until I was 35 to even start trying for kids & it's not that easy when you're that old. I'm now pushing 40 & have one but haven't given up hope of a second.
The word "relentless" was invented to describe the workload with small children.
However, I've done lots of pubbing & clubbing. Had a fun career & a serious one. Screwed around. Settled down. Set up home. Refurbished. Built the body beautiful & destroyed it. I have a lot to smile about when I look back but, before my baby, had nothing to look forward to. I might have been promoted or found a nice restaurant but it really is downhill from here if you try to keep doing the stuff you were doing.
My kid has reminded me what fun is. Increased my capacity for loving & reminded me about the basic goodness of human nature. Kids are well behaved if you take the time to join their world which starts a bit early in the morning and is often noisy & messy. But it is so much more fun than sinking quietly into old age.
I'd do it again & I'm a woman so I had the whole belly bursting experience to go through.
(I'm going to remain anonymous so you can't sue me in the first months, before it gets rewarding.)
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Post by borne sloppy on Apr 22, 2006 14:40:10 GMT 7
I have never wanted kids, I enjoy my own time and my partners time far too much to want to have it restricted by children.
Anyway I am now going out with someone who has kids (9 & 12). We all live together and it is lovely, the kids are great, there is very little stress in our relationship caused by the kids, their dad gets involved a bit but not too much, which helps. Would I like any of my own? NEVER Would I like not to have kids in my life DEFINATELY
but I love my girlfriend and the kids so I will keep it as it is, but I still think they are too much trouble,
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Post by User on Apr 22, 2006 15:26:22 GMT 7
borne sloppy, I hope you are treating the kids well. When I was 11 my parents divorced, and when I was 14 my mother moved in with a man, forcing me and my older brother to join. The guy hated us (the kids) and I had the most horrible two years of my life. I moved out at 16 and started to work because I couldn't stand it any longer. My brother moved out one year later, but had to go to a psychiatrist for years. He hasn't sorted out his problems yet, 20 years later.
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Post by Momof2 on Apr 23, 2006 16:33:54 GMT 7
Life without kids is definately easier. Our first few years with kids were sleepless and tiring, but that first smile and first hug/kiss is to die for. My kids have really great days and really sh1tty days but we all get through it. I couldn't imagine not having them in my life. When I've had to travel without them I miss them terribly and wish they could experience what I'm experiencing. My oldest is just getting ready to leave the nest and it's very tough. There will be alot of good times and alot of bad times. You never stop worrying. My dad tells me the same thing....poor guy has 7 of us to!! WRT to travelling with little ones....dont' ever let that stop you. We started travelling with the kids (because our jobs demand this) from day one. They have better manors while flying then most adults.
Ultimately it's up to you but keep in mind there are alot of bad days and good days.
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Post by Journey on Apr 24, 2006 10:08:43 GMT 7
The post from "mummy" could almost be from me. Very similar circumstances.
Whereas I am still interested in the latest bar and great restaurants, it's nothing in comparison to my little baby. - Priorities change. In other words, yes, it's good to have kids. Actually good is the wrong word. It's fantastic.
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Post by oldmike on Apr 24, 2006 15:38:28 GMT 7
If you never have kids, you can never have grandchildren.
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Post by no regrets on Apr 24, 2006 17:59:18 GMT 7
My wife and I discussed and "analysed" the whole thing and realised doing so means never having kids! when you start looking at it objectively it's hard for a 20 or 30 something to making it seem like a good idea :-) In the end ours came somewhat unexpectedly - life changed - everyone got used to it - now can't imagine life any other way. No regrets.
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Post by Drongo on Apr 25, 2006 12:50:33 GMT 7
I've known loads of people who regretted their choice of partner but not one who's regretted his/her kids. I realise that those who make the choice not to have kids think that most parents would just never admit their kids are a mistake but I really believe few parents wish their kids didn't exist. It is impossible to calculate the upside of having your own children before you have them...easy however to foresee the disadvantages.
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Post by Drongo on Apr 25, 2006 12:54:21 GMT 7
Just wanted to add; this is not to say that there aren't times/ phases of childraising (toddlerdom was my challenging era) when you wish or even say aloud that you would do things differently, but over time the benefits well outweigh the disadvantages IME.
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Post by teamplayer on Apr 25, 2006 13:10:20 GMT 7
The toughest thing is that it's a 24-7 commitment - but it certainly is easier as they get older and more independent in so much as you can start to regain your own personal time, hobbies and activities. The early years require so much continuous attention that those plans you make for yourself always seem to go out the window! That's tough to adjust to - well for me anyway.
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Post by Just a man on Apr 25, 2006 13:37:18 GMT 7
I think there is a pattern of some parents saying that the first months or years are quite tough, and then it becomes better. So, what would be that time-frame?
Not that this time-frame would scare me off, I am just wondering...
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Post by sundaymorningstaple on Apr 25, 2006 22:39:41 GMT 7
I think there is a pattern of some parents saying that the first months or years are quite tough, and then it becomes better. So, what would be that time-frame? Not that this time-frame would scare me off, I am just wondering... Well, as I've said, I've raised two and started in my 40's (okay 38 1st and 42 the 2nd who is 16 now). The first months/years you spend all night and day wondering why their carp is runny, cleaning up and up all hours of the night each time they fart, cry, or even turn over. After they reach 14 you still spend all night and day wondering where they are, what their doing, if they put on clean underwear, etc., wonding if your daughter is going to be good or very good. It's also a very trumatic time fraught with sleepless nights. But in the end when they turn out well and make you proud, it's all worth it. And, if you're lucky you'll get grandkids to spoil rotten before your are too old the get out of the rocker. It's a lot better than spending long lonely nights listening to the BBC. sms
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Post by ninja on May 7, 2006 12:56:35 GMT 7
I think this isn't an easy question to answer.
I've got two teens who are pretty much giving me one helluva time... and they're mild compared to some of the many horror stories I hear from other parents with teens.
From ages 0 - 8, they're cute/cuddly and can be managed. Beyond that, you might as well go blind/deaf/mute and pray that they become half-human again at 22-24 to begin to appreciate all that you've done for them.
So, should you have kids? I'd say, suck it and see for yourself. We've all got different realities.
Good luck!
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