Wrong poster. Read my post again.
Also you might want to read this:
In Defense of DINKs
By Janice Arenofsky
Although society frowns on them, more double-income couples are finding happiness in choosing to be childfree. Ironically, some end up devoting their time to your kids.
Susan and John Katausky, home owners and hard-working East residents, fit the typical suburban middle-class mold -- except one thing: the forty-something, college-educated professionals have chosen not to have children. The only patter of little feet the couple fancy hearing around their sprawling Chandler ranch house is the frolicking of their frisky West Highland white terriers.
For the eighty-plus percent of the population calling themselves the "mamas and the papas," the Katauskys' nonparenting lifestyle is nothing to sing about. Their choice is about as popular as Phoenix in July. Though most people disguise their distaste for nonparents under the mask of political correctness (which includes a vocabulary of polite buzzwords such as DINKs, or double-income-no-kids, the "voluntary childless" and the "childfree"), other folks have a hard time even giving lip service to this lifestyle. For instance, after Ann Landers published a whimsical essay extolling the values of "life without the little ones," peeved parents from all over the country inundated the newspaper columnist with letters of outrage.
The bias against nonparents does not surprise the Katauskys. The pair have endured more than their share of strained silences, quizzical stares and lectures about the "blessings" of children. "A lot of what you get is the condescending tone of voice," says Susan, a community volunteer and, ironically, a former ob/gyn nurse. "There's this 'pregnant pause' after you tell them you don't have kids. You don't know what they're thinking and it's kind of uncomfortable."
Living life without children is a constant challenge, say members of the Phoenix chapter of the ChildFree Network (a Citrus Heights, California-based national support group for nonparents).
The challenge partially comes from rising above the bias inherent in a pronatal society, says E Scott Christopher, Ph.D., associate professor of family resources and human development at Arizona State University. "
People want to paint the childfree as selfish, immature and having a hedonistic lifestyle," says Christopher. To make it worse, many religious groups impose moral judgments, and women especially feel the sting of social criticism. "In our society," continues Christopher, "women are often asked to define themselves by their children and not by their accomplishments. So women who choose to be childless are often questioned as to whether they're fully actualized."
The irony is that the U.S. Census Bureau recently reported seventeen percent of women born between 1945 and 1960 -- about five million baby boomers -- will never have children. Local census statistics seem to support this trend. Phoenix metro fertility rates, which measure the annual number of births per 1,000 women, dipped four percent between 1980 and 1990 for women ages thirty-five to forty-four. This indicates more women are choosing to have no children or only one child.
Despite the growing number of nonparents, most childfree couples are
stereotyped as selfish and materialistic. This disturbs Bert Bertmeyer, fifty-five, a Phoenix apartment manager, and his wife Ingrid, forty-six, an administrative assistant for a business management company. "Sure, we enjoy taking cruises and have more time for reading and relating to one another," says Ingrid. "But we've also supported children through religious funding and taught Sunday school."
"Besides," Bert adds, "don't we all just make decisions based on self-interest? Parents don't say to themselves, 'I'm going to hate having kids, but I must since it's my duty.'"
Only a "very small minority" of nonparents are selfish, says Phoenix psychologist Celia Halas. She also debunks the notion the childfree are child haters. "A lot of these people wind up spending time and energy on other people's children," says Halas. "They are the big brothers and sisters, the doting aunts and uncles."
Anita and Alan Handelsman find time to vacation on Catalina island and teach music to children.
Anita Handelsman, thirty-five, and her husband Alan, forty-one, are prime examples. Married five years, these Scottsdale music instructors and freelance musicians chose not to have children to devote more time to teaching them. "I also decided against kids because of the difficulties I had in my younger years," says Anita. "I don't want to relive some of those painful memories."
Unhappy childhood experiences, financial considerations and hereditary or chronic illnesses are often reasons why couples forego parenting, says Halas. But, she says, "a lot of people are also idealistic -- involved in a creative occupation or hobby they feel is benefiting the world more than raising a family."
Eighty-one-year-old Mary Anderson falls into this category. Married fifty-three years, the Tempe resident not only counseled women during World War II and later assisted the blind, but served as the first social worker for the Phoenix area office of Indian Health Services. "One day I might be at a little Indian colony in Nevada," recalls Anderson, who retired from the Department of Economic Security about ten years ago, "another day, I'd be helping resolve some problems for the Pimas in Sacaton. I traveled a four-state area and kept long hours -- I don't see how I could have held the jobs I've had if I'd had children."
Greater career flexibility is just one advantage to this lifestyle, say ChildFree members. Other positives include: increased financial freedom; time to nurture a strong marital relationship, pursue hobbies, travel and volunteer for charities; the energy to devote to creative, spiritual and stress-relieving activities; and the satisfaction of knowing you're not contributing to the world population crisis.
Unfortunately the tendency by nonparents to glorify the pluses and gloss over the minuses has helped perpetuate the unrealistic notion among parents that the childfree life is free from obligations, responsibilities, sadness and hardship -- a veritable bowl of cherries, if you will. Parents who buy into this myth often end up envying and resenting nonparents, says Halas.
The truth is that no decision -- nonparenting or otherwise -- is without its debits. "Where our friends with children have learned to roll with the flow, we have become more rigid, less adaptable," admits Betty Kjellberg, forty-eight, executive director of the Arizona Psychological Association. "You can also get really involved in living your own life -- being too independent -- and not communicating as often with your spouse.... So sometimes you have to work harder at the relationship."
Another reality is that without kids, your search for intimacy and self-knowledge is harder. "Since certain relationships (mother-daughter, father-son) act as mirrors, in a sense it's missing knowing a part of ourselves," says Alan Handelsman.
Even Leslie Lafayette, a former high school teacher and the founder of The ChildFree Network, acknowledges a darker side to the childfree decision: not having family to depend on should you become ill. She says, however, that childfree adults tend to plan wisely for their futures, building strong friendships that help them through the difficult older years.
Then, too, as this writer can attest, confronting the unanswerable questions that race through your mind at odd moments -- what kind of child might I have produced, would I have been a good parent? -- is always a process tinged with sorrow.
And while the research consistently shows childfree marriages are more satisfying than traditional ones, more divorces take place, says Dr. Christopher. He cites the childfree woman's often high salary as one contributing factor toward her willingness to exit an unhappy relationship.
Why then choose this lifestyle, given the public and personal pressures you're bound to face? Because, says Dr. Halas, for certain people the childfree marriage is "one hundred percent" right. "For it to be a good marriage," says Halas, "both persons must feel they don't need children to fulfill their goals and must be seriously concerned with their own jobs, careers and dreams -- but wish to come together for the harmony of marriage."
So, let me get this straight..............
If you choose not to have children when your are 25 or 30 or 35 or 40 you are still a breeder - am I correct in this assumption because that is exactly what you have written?
If I chose to not have children and I was still childless at 38 and having this discussion I am still considered a breeder?
If this is the case then there are no DINKs or SINKs unless they die that way or have been castrated or had hysterectomies so that they couldn't have children. Otherwise, unless you have had a non-reversable procedure you can always have a change of mind and then become a "breeder"?
Somehow all are missing the obvious here. One can choose a certain lifestyle and one can also change that lifestyle at some point in the future if one has more data to work with later on in life. At that point and that point only does their status change. The fact that you changed your status does not negate your feelings for the first part of your life does it. Just means you changed. Kinda like changing religions isn't it.
sms
Things You DON'T Get Because You Didn't Have Kids:
1. $2,300 a year tax credit.
2. $500 additional from the Republican Contract With America.
3. Subsidized housing opportunities. (They go to "families" first.)
4. More time off from work.
5. Opportunities for flex-time because you have a baby at home.
6. Respect. Appreciation. Understanding.
7. Attention from your elected representatives (most of whom are parents).
8. Peace and quiet when you go on vacation, out to dinner, to a movie, or on an airplane.
9. Listened to about anyting having to do with children.
10. Visited in the Old Folks Home.
Some Other Things You DON'T Get Because You Didn't Have Children:
1. Ulcers.
2. Premature gray hair.
3. Broke.
4. Into arguments with your spouse over childrearing issues.
5. Unhappy marriage. (Studies show childlres couples are consistently happier.)
6. Invited to meet with your child's teacher to discuss Attention Deficit Disorder.
7. Worried because the kids aren't home yet.
8. Dirty diapers in a pail.
9. 25-, 30-, or 40-year-old "kids" moving back in with you.
10. Disappointed because they don't visit you in the Old Folks Home.
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