help with English?

[Johnny]

G'day mate.

I am trying to write a sarcastic letter to some idiots who think that it was a privilege for me to work with them (and pay them), and I have to thank them for the opportunity.

So instead of writing something like

"I would like to thank you again for the opportunity you gave me to work in ..."

I would like to write something like

"I would like to --- something like "you are welcome" --- again for coming to work in ... and attempting to train your staff".

Do you see what I mean? Any help would be highly appreciated.

[oldmike]

How about:

Dear *******,
At this time I wish to express my gratitude to you all for the time we have spent as a team.
In my whole career I have never had such unparalleled scope for developing my coaching skills. I am persuaded that any shortfall in the group’s performance is attributable to my inability to communicate with people of the intellectual calibre that characterises your organization.

Believe me,
I remain,
Your most Humble,
And Obedient
Servant,

[Johnny]

Sounds good

BUT: I didn't really coach a team. This is the picture: I went to this country to do some research, but to do research in that country I need to be invited. So these people wrote a letter to invite me. However, they said that to invite me I have to go with one of their organisation. OK, so I went with that retard. We signed a MOU that said that I could stay there for 2 months. After 3 weeks the retard decided he had enough and wanted to go back to his wife and air-con office, and wanted me to go back as well. I let him go back, but refused to go back myself, so now they are upset with me (for respecting the MOU we signed???).

I initially thought writing a letter saying "I would like to thank you again for the opportunity you gave me to work in ..."

But what the f**k? THEY should thank me for making the trip to their country, being ready to hire, PAY, and train someone (the retard). I could have gone to any other country, but I went to their because I thought they would benefit from my expertise. And all they did was trying to ruin my research by dumping me a retard! And now they say that they facilitated my research and didn't get anything back from me (what do they want, a free laptop?).

Rambling over.

So if you can give me an idea on how to phrase it, that would be great!

Thanks!

[Johnny]

Come on. Anybody?

I am also thinking about something like:

I am still waiting for you to thank me to come to your country to try to improve the understanding of ..., as well as to train your staff, but I fear that my waiting will go on forever...

Come on! Help me if you can!

[calm down mate]

Having problems following your speech and your situation, to be honest.

Assuming that you're talking about academic research, I don't know how narrow your field is, but surely you wouldn't want to annoy others in the field who could potentially, in some distant future, help you? Or for you to be blacklisted by that and other countries? And sounds like you do want to work / keep working in that country, since you went to all the trouble to get yourself invited over.
It sounds like an annoying situation, I know, but there are worse positions to be in.

Being a pacifist, and devil's advocate, here's my take, since you asked:

Dear Sir,

Thank you for inviting me to your country. I appreciate the opportunity to be able to do my research here and contribute to your organisation.
Then a lot of blather about how wonderful you think their country / organisation is (you catch more flies with honey than vinegar, and flattery will get you everywhere), and if you really have to, express your regrets that Mr X doesn't share your zeal & vision for the country / research / organisation. But don't slag him off, and please don't call him a retard - that is offensive.

Well, good luck with it, however you write it.

[Johnny]

Thanks for the advise. That was also my first idea, but these people already said that they don't want to have anything to do with me. I already have other contacts in that country who said they want to work with me.

I would drop it, and not write anything to them, but it pisses me off that they go around saying bad things about my other research assistant, who was very hard working and helpful. They should give her a medal, and not put her down!

So, I also want to write to them that I don't care what they say of me, but I find it despicable that they would go around saying bad things about her. Well, maybe I shouldn't because it might turn against her??

[sundaymorningstaple]

I think I am beginning to see a pattern here. I also am starting to understand maybe why they don't want to work or have anything to do with you. My advice. Drop it and let your former colleague worry about it if she wants to. You need to go on with you life before you ruin her reputation as well (which as you said, she doesn't deserve). Don't tar her with your brush as it were.

[Johnny]

You begin seeing a pattern here? You start to understand why they don't want to work or have anything to do with my?

Hey, watch it.

I bet you are not even a Sunday morning staple. I bet you are a Sunday brunch!

Anyway, jokes apart, I talked to her yesterday, and she said she doesn't want me to write an angry E-mail to these people. So I won't.

Besides, yesterday I received a very friendly E-mail from the vice-boss of that organisation, so I will just leave it there. After all, they said the bad things about me behind my back, so I am not even supposed to know them.

I still can't believe these people. This has been one of the most disappointing experiences of my professional life.